The Stuck Truck Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW That makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] in today's show, bill turns nature into art doing some chainsaw sculpting... Harold finally finds a job suited to his unique abilities... Winston has lost some of his enthusiasm for the sewage-sucking business... I'm going to show you how to make a car into a tank. And now here's the oldest human being capable of hosting his own television show, at least, you know, at this point in time and in this area, my uncle, red green! Right there. Wa-a-a! Whoo. Whoo. Ha ha! Thank you very much, and here's the oldest human being who's never had a date in any area, my nephew, harold. [ zip! ] [ cymbal crashes ] having a bit of trouble right now with stinky peterson's trabant. Well, he better get that looked at because that could fester. Harold, a trabant is a car, not a body part. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. [ laughs ] right. Right. No, I knew that. I forgot. You should explain that -- that a trabant is an east german car. It was made in what was east germany but what is now, uh, eastern germany. And not the greatest automobile ever made. One of the reasons the berlin wall came down was so they could get the tow trucks through. I guess the real good communist scientists were working on rockets and tanks and women athletes. Anyway, stinky had run the battery way down on the trabant from listening to the radio 'cause those tubes really suck the juice out of her, there. And his girlfriend wanted to go into town, so he just gave her a little push start and sent her merrily on her way. But she didn't make it, did she? She was okay till she got to the hill. Uh, I think if she'd have backed up it -- but anyway, she stalled her, and now we got to go down there and restart it. Well, I think she's quite capable of handling the situation herself. She does not need you to go down there and rescue her. She should just call flinty mcclintock. He's got that emergency road service. No, harold, it's stinky's girlfriend that caused the problem, and stinky's got to solve it, not flinty. It's a guy thing. That is just stupid chauvinism. Well, stupid chauvinism is a guy thing, too. He's twice as capable of handling it than stinky is. You know, plus, flinty's closer. Face reality, uncle red. She should just call flinty. Flinty charges 5 bucks. Ohhhh! [ clothesline squeaking ] ♪ oh, a bullet comes out the end of a gun ♪ ♪ like a rocket ship hurtling through space ♪ ♪ it travels much faster than animals run ♪ ♪ but it doesn't go to mars ♪ ♪ or a really far place like that, you know ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ well, I prefer rockets to bullets ♪ ♪ bullets ♪ ♪ 'cause they make a sound that people can hear ♪ ♪ bobsh! Bobsh! ♪ ♪ and a rocket won't ricochet off a boulder ♪ ♪ do a u-turn and take off your ear ♪ okay, it's Saturday afternoon, and you have spent the last five minutes aligning the lumps in the couch with the dents in your reclining body, as you settle down for an afternoon with the three "ahls" -- alcohol, cholesterol, football. Then the little missus comes in, as rumpole would say, "she who must be okay'ed, eh?" and she's got rearranging the furniture on her mind, which involves you in a big way. All right, you might possibly have a negative reaction to this, but I think it might be time to look at it in a more mature way. Yeah, like, you know, you're probably gonna say, "no, no, the room looks fine, eh," when really you just want to get back to watching the game. So she leaves the room. Okay. This is a trap. It's real catch-23. Yeah, yeah. Because she knows the room looks bad. She was gonna try and fix it the cheap way by just rearranging the junk you have to cover the dents and stains and holes. But now that you have refused, she is legally entitled to go out and buy new stuff, eh? Yep. So, suddenly, this is gonna be the most expensive football game you never even went to. Yeah, luckily, you can solve the problem with an ounce of prevention, all right? Take a few hours, spend a few bucks, put everything you own on castors. Oh, yeah, now you can whip the stuff around there real easily, real quickly, in about the same duration as, like, a halftime show, eh? That's right -- you can just move that crap around for 20 years, and you won't have to buy anything new. One caution, though -- make sure the floor's level, otherwise you go lay down on that couch to watch tv, you're gonna go rolling right down the basement stairs followed by the dinette set and the entertainment center. And your wife may not even miss you. But she will miss the couch. [ ducks quacking ] you know, with, uh, stinky peterson's girlfriend getting the car stuck, it kind of struck a nerve 'cause there is nothing more embarrassing for a guy than to have his vehicle immobilized. Well, there is one thing more embarrassing, but they tell me that's just a normal part of getting older. So, I thought I'd take this week's "handyman corner" and show you how you can make your car less vulnerable to sinkholes, mudslides, avalanches, and quicksand. To be able to go where angels fear to tread, you need one hell of a tread -- a tank tread. Here's an idea so simple, you'll wonder why you never thought of it. I'm gonna show you how to turn your car into a tank. All right, first thing you're gonna need is a roll of snow fence, some tin snips, a normal metal tin box, and an ax. Step one -- you want to cut the emergency-brake cables on the left side of the vehicle. [ grunts ] there we go. All right, now the emergency brake is only gonna work the wheels on the right side of the car, so what we got to do now is disconnect the brake lines from the right side of the car, and then, uh, when you step on the brake pedal, it'll only work the wheels on the left side of the car. I don't understand this part, and it's a very bad sign. All right, now, to do that, you're gonna need a 7/16 wrench. No, that's a ½-inch. [ clanging ] [ sniffs ] yeah, there we go. All right, you disconnect them right down at the wheel cylinder. [ grunts ] [ squeaking ] boy, these babies are really on there. Rust clumps the size of horse buns. [ clank! Boing! ] okay. I don't know why I'm being so finicky here. I mean, the goal is just to disconnect the brake lines. Nobody says we have to unscrew them off there. [ boing! ] all right, now... Uh, you got to have room for the tank tread to move freely around the car, so what you got to do is you got to cut off the front half of the front fender and the back half of the back fender. And you can do that with, uh, well, just an ordinary hacksaw. [ grunts ] [ panting ] I'll tell you -- they haven't invented the car that I can't customize. There we go. Now you're ready for your tank tread. And for that, you're going to need a tank tread, which you can buy through an army-surplus magazine or you could make one out of an escalator. But if you're not made of money, I suggest you just go with a snow fence. Now, the snow fence is twice as wide as you need, so you're gonna need to cut her in half, which you can do with a normal household hacksaw. Or an ax. [ grunts ] ohh. Okay, see, the problem here -- I'm surprised you didn't think of this earlier -- we need something to use as guides to keep the tread up above the roof here. Maybe there's something in the trunk. Let's take a look in here. Ah. [ chuckles ] won't have to go to all that trouble, do I? No, just an old set of golf clubs. Wait a minute. I got an idea. I always said my ideas are way above par. Well, she's ready to roll, huh? When I want to turn left, I just step on the brake pedal. When I want to turn right, I step on the emergency. I don't even need a map of where I'm going. Alls I need is the coordinates. [ chuckles ] so remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ engine turns over ] let's see how she handles. Stay tuned to see what happens to bill when the chips hit the fan. And then glen is gonna let me help out at the marina. Nice of him. Want to talk to all you middle-aged guys about fading urges. You know that sense that you're maybe not the passionate lover you once were, at least the way you tell it? Okay, so, maybe you've changed from being a young stag, eager to rut, into an old drag, stuck in a rut. Well, this is a good thing, 'cause there's less chance that you'll be a father at a time when you don't have the patience, energy, or brain power to help with homework. And there's another upside to loss of your sex drive, and that is that this means once or twice a week, for maybe two or three minutes at a time, you'll actually be able to concentrate on something else, like, say, your job. Do you realize that most of life's great discoveries were done by guys who were old? Like, uh, colonel sanders. He was almost retired before he got the inspiration to dedicate his life to fried chicken. And what about that 70-year-old television producer aaron spelling? I'll tell you, nobody who was sexually active would have come up with a concept like "the love boat." so I say just accept your declining desires. Your wife's probably just as happy to read in bed, and this way you get to see the end of the hockey game even if there's overtime. Remember -- I'm pulling for you, 'cause we are all in this together. Well... Ran into a snag trying to jump-start stinky's trabant. Went down there to stinky's truck, and the battery, that thing's no great shakes, either, 'cause it had a crack in it, and he kept topping it up with vinegar. So, then he figures if he gets the truck real close, that'll work, 'cause the electricity won't have to travel as far. That won't make any difference. Well, I know that, harold, but, then, I'm not stupid and nobody calls me "stinky," do they? If you say so. So, stinky... Stinky drove his truck around the other side of the trabant, and he got the rear wheel stuck in a sinkhole, like, one of them mud baths that rich people go to to see what it feels like to be dirty. Wa-a-a! So now he's got his car and his truck stuck at the side of the road? Oh ho ho! Have you got flinty's emergency phone number? 'cause I'll lend you the $5. Not the money, harold. Not totally. We're men. We have pride. Stinky's girlfriend caused the problem. It's up to stinky to solve it. Is she still stuck at the side of the road? Well, actually, no, she got a ride into town with a passing vehicle. Flinty's road-emergency thing. Wa-a-a! Well, this is good. So now he's lost his car, his truck, and his girlfriend. Yeah, but he's still got his pride. Winston rothschild here of rothschild sewage and septic sucking services. Call me if you... Gotta gusher and can't flush 'er. 1-800-555-suck. Now, here we are at braxton's marina with owner/operator glen braxton. How are you today, glen? Oh, on the road to recovery, red. Feeling better than I did before the heart attacks. Great. Cut way back on the drinking, quit smoking, you know? Yeah, and I guess the chocolate eclairs with the double whipped cream on top are pretty much a thing of the past, are they not? Well, it's one step at a time, red. All right, all right, all right. Well, today we're going to learn how to pull a boat out of the water. All righty. What we got to do is we got to hook this boat winch onto that little ring there on the bow. Yeah. Here you go, red. Me? Oh, yeah. Since the heart attack, red, I can't get too close to the water. Oh. All right. Yeah. Boy, it sure is odd to look at the boat ramp there and not see your old r.V. Sitting in it, I'll tell you. Yeah. Well, life is full of choices, red. I had the business, had the family... Had the r.V. You know, couldn't keep them all. Other people do. Oh, I guess. But other people don't have seven daughters that never wear hand-me-downs ever. Got her. Great. You can crank her up, red. [ clears throat ] tell you one thing, though, glen. I think these hard times have been good for you. Oh, "absotutely," red. My priorities are back in line. Never mind the fact that, you know, my entrepreneurial opportunities here on the lake. Yeah. I'm the only marina. Yeah. Keeps the margin in line. Sure. You know, I'm wondering if this boat winch would be strong enough to pull, say, a couple of trucks out of the mud. Oh, I got a 3-ton block and tackle out behind the house, red, that you can -- I can rent it to you, or you can borrow it for money. Whatever you like. Yeah, well, we'll work something out. All right, that's got her. Should we have done something to make sure the boat's on there straight, do you think? Oh, no, red. No, you don't have to worry about that. If it's not, you just drop her back in and you try it all over again. Uh, it's only 25 bucks a shot for the ramp, so... Fine. Thanks a lot for your help there, glen. My pleasure to be of service, red. Yeah. Oh, red, by the way, uh... How are we going to, uh, pay for this? Well, why don't you lend me the block and tackle, and we'll just call it even? [ spraying ] uncle red, why do you think kids go bad? Well, maybe when they're left out in the sun too long. No, I mean, like, you know, do you subscribe to the nature or nurture theory? Oh, you mean, uh, do I blame the kids' parents or just all parents everywhere? Yeah, exac-- well, sort of what I mean, yeah. Because, like, nature says we are what we inherit from our parents, whereas nurture says we're shaped by social factors. So, if a kid's bad, they say it's nature, or, if a kid's bad, they say it's nurture. Well, I kind of go with the theory of "notcher." "notcher"? Yeah, if there's a problem with a kid, you say it's "notcher" kid. No, uncle red, I was hoping you'd take it a little more seriously than that. Well, it's "notcher" problem. It is if I want to discuss matters of importance. It's "notcher" show. Okay. Good point. [ explosion ] aaaaaah! Oh! Red: Time for "adventures with bill." bill had been up a tree with a chainsaw, which is, uh, apparently one of his hobbies. How are you doing, there, bill? Yep. About the same, I guess. And, uh, what he's gonna show us today is how to do something that's a kind of a "mixing art with the handyman thing," or an outdoorsman or a lumberjack -- what have you. And this is, uh, actually sculpting using a chainsaw. He's got a -- I'm not sure leaving a lit oil lamp out in the woods is the greatest... [ clang! Tweet! ] all right, now -- now, here's a safety tip. When -- you got to put your foot on top of a chainsaw when you start it. You know, that's an important safety tip, especially for the guy standing behind you. Another thing is -- watch out. Don't -- don't -- oh. Well, there's so many safety tips there today. It's really hard to identify all of them without boring ourselves beyond human belief. Anyway, bill comes back, got the chainsaw running. Now he's using the artistic "leonardo da 'vinky'" approach there. He's kind of thumbing it up, as we say -- thumbing it up. Yeah, bill. And then he's gonna try and... Seems like an awful thing to do to a tree, but, uh, anyway... Bill's gonna try and make that -- maybe I'm standing a little too close myself -- another safety tip there. And there's -- oh, I guess that would be an oil lamp. Boy. That'll burn for a while there -- pretty good-sized stump. Now bill asked me to take the oil lamp, put her down. He's got a little, uh -- kind of a little toy parrot thing there that -- sit up on there. And I guess he's gonna now try to carve us, uh, something that looks like -- is that a parrot? Yeah, that's a parrot. That tree doesn't look much like a parrot to me, but he's thumbing her up again. When it comes to thumbing things up, bill is... About average. Lot of extra twigs in there, made it a little special. And there's... Whoa! I'm an art critic myself. Yep. Perfect. Now he's got something real special. He wants me to do one of my manly poses that I was gonna do in the "mr. Outdoor universe" contest if I ever look good. And he's trying to pick a tree that he thinks -- no, for some reason or other, he didn't think that tree was, uh, was gonna do it. I don't know what it was about the tree. It looked perfectly fine to me, but, uh, I guess he felt, uh, this tree here might be a little bit better. I don't know. Ha ha! Something about it. Oh. I see. All right. So, anyway, he's cutting away there, and... Guess he started -- I think he started the torso on that. Boy, you can generate quite a few wood shavings and smoke. Sometimes when you oil the chainsaws, they don't heat up quite so bad. There he goes. Got her all done, and, uh... I believe that's just the shavings, and now he's -- yeah, yeah, yeah. He wants to show me what he's done. Let's have a look at this. That's -- that's a pretty aggressive, ambitious -- holy mackerel! Well, congratulations, bill! No, no. I can't fool you. This isn't the sculpture. This is wayne fraser, winner of the very first red green look-a-like contest. Stay tuned. Winston's got one of his darned self-help tapes for you, and the boys and I are going to try and hoist a few. "winter surprise" by me. "I toboggan in the winter cold the whole afternoon, "and I stagger indoors to the warmth of the fire. "as I peel off my parka and boots, "a white frozen lump falls out of my tuque "and skitters across the floor. "is it a snowball, a lump of ice, a pinecone? "golly, no. It's my left ear. "I feel I should go paint something... Perhaps a shed." ah, the earth is an amazing thing, isn't it? Out there in the forest is a patch of mud can't be more than 5 feet across, and we've got 17 vehicles, 9 power tools, and a mule stuck in it. And counting. [ laughs ] no, no, harold. We're getting serious now. We're gonna take this power winch out there, hook her up to the big oak tree on the other side of the street, and just winch everything out of there. Uncle red, that is such a false economy. I mean, for 5 bucks, flinty would have come and started stinky's car, and the whole thing would have been done with. But instead, look at all the money you've squandered. We have squandered zero, harold. Everybody provided their own vehicles, and we all own the tools, and the mule was stolen. Where's the false economy? [ laughs ] okay. Well, all right. What about all the gas you burned? And what about your time? What is your time worth? What does a professional incompetent charge? Zero, harold. We don't charge people for having fun. That's a much older profession than any of ours. But still, but still, stinky could have had the trabant going for 5 bucks. Stinky can replace the trabant for 5 bucks. No, no, no, no, no. You cannot buy a new trabant for $5. You can buy stinky's as is, where is, how is. No chance-is. [ chuckles ] well, then, fine. Excuse me. I got an appointment with a big oak tree. Uncle red, that's what the bathroom's for. I'll tell you, winston, with the power of this rig, we'll have everybody out of the ditch and home for supper. Let's go. Red, I -- I can't. What, you lose the keys? Don't worry about it. I know how to hot-wire these things. Red, we can't use the truck. I'll tell you why. When I broke in to the sludge-sucking business, red, I made myself one promise. Do you know what that promise was? Always wash your hands before lunch? No. I just made a promise to myself to only use this truck to make money. You may find this hard to believe, but, uh, I've never once used this truck for pleasure, just business. So you won't help a friend in need? Uh, you know what anthony anthony says about that, eh? Oh, man, not that "succeed through success" bozo on tv at night. Hey, wait a minute, red. Anthony anthony just happens to be financial advisor to florence henderson, gavin macleod, and a host of other important hollywood celebrities who just love to pop in on his infomercials and say hello. You know what he says, eh? He's says that, uh, "a friend in need is a customer." you got to hear it. It's really good. I'm not gonna listen to that. [ sloop! Crash! ] so, what does anthony anthony have to say about public relations and community involvement? I don't know. It was on the other side of that tape. Uh, I was gonna listen to it tonight. Whoa! Well, I got to tell you -- a block and tackle is one powerful tool. Whoo! Did you get all the vehicles out of the mud? Don't get ahead of me, harold. Well, we hooked everything up to the big oak tree the other side of the road, there. And we started winching, and we winched, and we winched, and we winched, and not one vehicle moved. Well, that's not possible. Something had to have moved. You're right, harold. The oak tree come right across the road. Root ball and all. So then we figured, "gee, if we had enough extra chain, "we could probably hook the whole rig up to buster hadfield's house." wait, wait, wait, wait, 'cause buster hadfield's house is quite a distance from that forest. Not anymore. No, by the time we got done with her, his house was right in the middle of the vehicles. Looked good, too. Kind of the cars -- cars and trucks are kind of like lawn ornaments, there. Of course he had the big oak, which is nice. Uncle red, it's okay to damage your own junk, but you got to replace everything else. Yeah, well, we got flinty's emergency crane coming in there, gonna lift everything back to where it's supposed to go. Aha! Well, isn't it lucky that you didn't phone earlier. He would have made a mere $5 removing just the one vehicle. Yeah, I figure he's gonna make enough money to pay for the wedding. Wedding? [ laughs ] he's gonna marry stinky's girlfriend, right? Well, we don't call her "stinky's girlfriend" anymore. We call her -- we call her "flinty's fiancée" now. So, let me just see, then. So, what stinky has to show for his foolish pride is merely a mud-covered, broken-down trabant. No, not even that. He's giving her that for a wedding present, so he's getting some revenge in there. Oh. [ screeching ] oh, it's meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be down after I get cleaned up. Okay. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And you know how you always wanted that mud room? Well, I think tonight's your lucky night. Hopefully, it'll be mine, too. And to the rest of you, thanks so much for watching. On behalf of harold and myself, until next time around, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] all right! All rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: If you'd like to become a member of possum lodge and you got 3 bucks to blow, you can either mail it to the address here on the screen or dial 1-800-ypossum.